It's said that it takes a village to raise a kid. I can't agree enough how true that statement is, especially so when I'm forced to provide the care and control for 2 kids by myself.
At the first point of divorce, it was extremely difficult to get through the momentum of getting used to the term "co-parenting".
Today I will be sharing my personal experience of co-parenting with the other parent and my relevant support "team" I had for the past years of being a single mother.
Back in 2019 when the papers have been finalized, the judge has given me the care and control right over the children. It meant that I have the say over their daily routines and the other parent has to discuss with me for visitations. When it all just started, it was very tough for me because I find it tough to face their father and grandmother. That awkwardness that seeped in-between whilst I try to get the kids be used to my absence. Back then, the youngest still required help for toileting.
It was a difficult phase for the youngest since she required more time to adapt to new changes and she didn't have the chance to form any relationship with both of the adults. We went through different seasons of change together and she took a lot of time just to get used to it. Fast forward to this year, after the pandemic has gotten better and the lockdown has been lifted up, it was easier to get the children to meet with their dad.
I guess over the years, I also learnt how to be okay with communicating with the other parent. It's still very tough, as each communication is a risky step that might lead to any misunderstanding or conflict.
The part about discussing about the date and timing to come over to visit the children is really nerve-wrecking. Two main reasons contributed to that: 1. My hands are full, I usually have my appointments scheduled at least a month ahead and 90% of the time I'm already barely surviving the busyness of the schedule. 2. He couldn't let me know in advance. His reasoning was because of his work schedule being hard to predict. (Though he just wouldn't disclose to me his occupation till today.. and I really couldn't understand why)
It took an emotional toll on me just to communicate with him about the meet-up for the children. I was questioned many times by him when I "turned down" his request for certain days - Eg. Weekday (Wednesday evening). I told him how chaotic it has been trying to get into the flow of new school for the youngest (Up till this moment when I'm typing it all out, I just encountered a major melt-down and conflict with my support team.... which I needed to digest afterwards)
The main struggle was trying to let the other party understand my situation. Whenever I have any conflict with him or felt dismissed when I tried reaching out to him.... I realized that's probably why the marriage couldn't work out. He was too stiff and unempathetic towards my struggles / my thoughts. It was a mismatch from the start. I am extra thankful whenever I thought about how I was lifted up and out of this toxic connection by the Lord. I'm no longer legally or physically tied to this man whom is totally not healthy to my heart and soul. I always pondered how I would survive if not for the grace of God.
His lovingkindness and gentle love is so soothing that right now when I sensed mistreatment I wouldn't think twice to call it out. I used to be so embedded with mistreatment and gotten used to the vicious cycle. Right now, because I'm a child of God, the contrast between my past and now has widened. It felt impossible to simply accept the bare minimum kind of respect and treatment anybody could give me. I was flattered by God's concentrated gentleness and the healthy connections He has blessed me with... such that I was no longer used to being mistreated anymore.
This was one of the crucial elements how I managed to turn the tables after growing up as a child who felt unworthy and undeserving of a healthy connection. Many times, I thought to myself that the negative self-talks that I had growing up as a child had really shaped my perspective of the world. It was really by God's grace and mercies that I could come out of that dark cycle of self-destruction. So I wouldn't exactly blame the other parent for doing what he had been doing. When you are unable to believe that you deserve the right treatment, you attract people who will match up with your belief - that you don't deserve any form of respect, love and kindness.
The other part about being supported by my "support team"... I have to say that over the years, all of us have grown so much together. It wasn't an obligation for them to help me with the children so it was truly a blessing when I received the help I never asked for. However, due to generation gaps and differences in value system, it was inevitable for conflicts to happen.
The recent drama about the youngest's inability to go to school normally like any other child would had triggered the already not too stable connection between myself and the support team. I would share briefly about the support team to protect their privacy as much as possible. It was their first time encountering a child like mine. They were probably embedded in so much guilt and sadness when my marriage fell apart. When you see someone important in your life so lost and needy of help, it's likely that you would do all that you can to help the person - even if it wasn't helpful in the long run.
That was my struggle as the single parent. Getting the right help at the right timing without feeling pressured or having to lower my standards of grounds for the minimum expectations I have for my children. I always believed that schooling is a privilege and it will always be the child's responsibility to attend school on time + all other duties received as a student.
Probably the guilt had accumulated in their hearts over the years, so each time the youngest would test the water and try to stretch out the "already not there" boundaries.... That's a problem. Every single time he gave in to her requests no matter how inappropriate it was, it became a problem for me.
I wished I did not have to struggle with this all the years. It was so ironic that one part of me felt thankful for the help yet another part of me was hoping to not receive any help from them. Simply because I know and understand that all the help would be temporary but the impacts of each action taken would leave imprinted in my children's minds. It would even cloud their minds about the right and the wrong. It would confuse their little brains' judgment on the non-negotiables and negotiables.
I wished I could use the most relevant words and emotions to express my struggle to you. Yet right now, I could only try to suppress whatever that's holding me back.
I promised myself that one day, I could be released from the inabilities of coping as a single mother. The burden of being helped yet not feeling helpful needs to be lifted.
To all the support team of any single mother, we really thank you from our bottom of the heart. We wouldn't be able to survive many disastrous days without your participation. I hope and seek your understanding when we couldn't appreciate the help the way you have hoped to receive. Just like any other human, we struggle too... sandwiched by the circumstances, the desired help received and the reality that we see.
I hope that all things shall come to a peaceful end and I can be understood as that sandwiched single mother who just wants to receive help that's best suited for the children in the long run.
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