I could remember the wedding song as we walked down the aisle together. Up till to date, the song still lingers back the emotions I felt as I have decided that I will walk with you till the end of the time. I was blessed to walk together with you down the aisle with our firstborn in my tummy. It wasn't the most glamorous phase of my life but I was beaming with joy when I finally could be recognized as your wife.
Nobody knew that all that I hoped and wanted would just turn into a series of drama that spirals between abuse, violence and conflicts. There was no peace and security. It wasn't a home we were having, we were just room mates staying together in the house and I was considered a married woman in name only.
It was lonely, such a lonely phase of my life where I was living as a single mother but seen as a married woman.
I did not leave because of loneliness... I left because of the hardening of your heart. I even wished and hoped that you could find someone else who was capable of loving you more than I did.
I left out of fear - the fear of putting myself and the children in danger again. I left because I needed to protect myself and our children - they were 1.5yo and 4 months old back then. I barely recovered from the c-section and was 4 months into post-partum. I knew I was at a disadvantaged position since I was weak and barely could fight you even if I wanted to do it out of self-defense.
Then it was the dreading years of recovery from this episode of my life. I wished I had it easier but I didn't. What I needed to face was more than what I could handle.
Even though its the 21st Century that we are now living in, it's inevitable that people still had certain bad vibes towards the label "single mother". Perhaps, the thought of someone married once and had 2 children with the former spouse just felt shameful.
I always asked myself this question, "am I worthy of being happy again? Can I also have that type of love I wanted all along? Is it okay that now it's finally my turn to receive happiness and blessings?"
I was fully aware that the fact about my marital status and reality would follow me to my grave. It was a scar that cannot be undone. Even though I was a survivor of violence, I will always be remembered as "someone's former wife", "mother of 2 children" and "divorcee". It's sad to share that people still had lots of prejudices towards this minority in society.
So I wasn't surprised when I was approached with hostility or when people needed time to accept me. I just felt insulted that I had to be "approved" and "tested" before I could be certified to be loved and accepted. This was the fake love that the world was wanting to offer but I really craved for something more real and unconditional.
I cried out to the Lord and asked Him if it's possible that now it's my turn to be blessed with a marriage that would glorify Him. I cried out my grievances to Him - the mistreatments and prejudices I have received all these years needed an outlet to vent. He was there to listen. He gently healed my open wounds with His unconditional love. "My child, I have never left nor forsake you. You are beautifully and wonderfully made in My image. Nothing can ever separate My love for You. I will not change My mind about you. I'm sorry that the world you were living in had mistreated you. Be assured that it will never be easy staying in this world, but be conscious of the truth that I have conquered death and I could handle all of these things you are handling now. I go before you and will walk with you. You are never alone. You do not need their approval neither do you need to seek their consent to be happy. I have blessed you with everything you need - more abundantly than what you have asked for. If I am for you, who can be against you? I have come not to send help but to send you a sword to fight. So that you can remember that this is not your home, just a temporary place and your forever home is with Me - I promised you eternal life in heaven and the promises will never expire. Take your time child, slow down and enjoy the ride. I am still in control and I am turning things around for you. You just need to be still. I love you, forever and always. You are my conscious decision - a decision I made when I created you. Even before you were born, I loved you and had great plans for you. Please hold on, I'm on my way to you. This year is a year of revival. You shall receive all the good things I have promised you. They can no longer withhold the blessings I have prepared to pass to you. Be still and be ready to receive. It's a time of revival."
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