not an option but a definite decision

I hope this post reaches you in time so that it serves as a reminder of your worth as a single mother. These are the words I wished someone has told me when I was undergoing the tough phase of being a single mother.

Single mother, quite a common term we often use nowadays when we see the woman divorced and bringing up kids on their own thereafter.

I just had a strong prompting to talk about this over here today.

I want to discuss the different perspectives of different people when encountering single mothers in their lives.

In the dating pool, they are considered as a rare species because most of the time it's a slim chance that they will encounter another single parent. So any single man who came across this rare species - single mother would either "fight" or "flight".

I'm totally not surprised to see single men running away after they recognized that they don't have the capacity to be a single mother's partner. I guess the irony behind all these begins when they took themselves too seriously in the single mother's life. In the single mother's mind, you are probably just a new person in their life and they are just going through life as per normal. So when they are labelled as "being too emotional" or "being too much" and "cannot be handled"... I personally find it absurd because first and foremost NOBODY asked you to participate in her life. She was just being brutally honest about what's going on and how she is feeling. It really has nothing to do with you. NOBODY is expecting you to be her savior or save her from the problems she is stuck with.

I find it insulting when these "gentlemen" use phrases like "I'm sorry I don't have the capacity to be there for you all the time..."

"Single mother have more needs than other single ladies out there and it's not being needy. It's being brutally honest about how life can really throw lemons at you all at once."

Today a thought came to my mind and I was quite amused by how far I have progressed as my confidence level builds up as a woman of God.

Another perspective of single mothers from the parents of potential dating partner:

"oh dear, my poor boy is going to shoulder responsibilities of other guy's children?"

"poor boy is going to be stressed"

"why won't my boy go for someone less complicated?"

"how do I introduce her to the rest of the family... this feels so humiliating."

"whoa, is this a promotional package? buy 1 get 2 free??"

I respect that everyone have different thoughts about us - Single mothers. But then, it doesn't hurt to clarify some of the common thoughts these involved parties may have...

1. Your son is blessed not stressed - he is suddenly blessed with 2 more children whom he can raise as his children. He gets access to them and can learn parenting from scratch - skipping all those early childhood regimes and straight into the school-going phase.

2. Your son made the decision to accept and embrace the single mother completely. He knows that every relationship has certain weight he needs to be accountable for. Shouldn't you be happy that you have raised up such a responsible child?

3. Your son was just attracted to this "complicated" single mother. Why? Because she fought the toughest battle in life and she never gave up on herself or her kids. How can any guy not be attracted to such a lady? She is not complicated, her past was complicated and she is walking out of the mess with her heads up.

4. Actually she did not have to go through this part of humiliation.... or participate in "your version of embarrassment" just because she was adulting - taking responsibility of being the sole caregiver to her two children and not giving up no matter how tough life is. She chose to be with your son because she believes that her past should not determine her future. She sees a future with your son. Shouldn't you be proud of your son? Not any ordinary guy can enable a broken lady who have been through so much to do the trust fall with him again. Another point is: her past doesn't define her as a person, especially as a child of God. She could really just get on with life without agreeing to go through the whole family life again with your son. We got to be frank about this, marriage is not an easy journey - it's the same as for maintaining relations with her future in-laws and her husband's relatives. She could just focus on her children and be free as they become more self-reliant.

5. It's sad that many people have this lingering thought when they consider a single mother as their lifetime partner. Honestly speaking, it's just downright absurd and ignorant. Single mothers are gems. They know how to run the household, they can take care of themselves, fiercely independent and most importantly they are genuinely kind. When someone have been through something really terrible yet did not seek to take it out on others, this person has something valuable in her character. So one last time to emphasize - having a single mother as your lifetime partner or having her as a new addition to your family is to be celebrated, not to be shameful of.

Kindly share to any single mothers you know and let them know that they are not alone. I'm happy to continue this blog to journey with them, though not in person but in words and expressions of thoughts. :)