Breakups, we all been through that at least once in our lifetime...
It is not only referring to romantic relationships, it can also be used to describe an end of a friendship. " A friendship breakup " certainly hurts as much as a normal breakup as we are all humans - Our desire to want to have a sense of belonging and connection with others are part of us. Thus when we are separated from another human being for any reason, it still feels very painful.
Emotional connection, time spent together, efforts invested in the connection... All of these requires time and a certain form of commitment.
It can feel really empty when that person you cared for is no longer part of your life. "Friendship breakups" are not widely recognized, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. Accept that the friendship is gone, move on and one day you'll get over it too.
We have the tendency to want to have a form of "closure" with the other party. However, that is just a wrapped up excuse to get back with them. Closure, in this case, doesn't come from the other party. Sad to say and acknowledge this fact... Closure comes with time and has to be from ourselves.
We have to first accept that we are no longer with this person. It takes time for our brain to adapt to the absence of this human in our life, we might take days; weeks; months or even years. Depending on each individual, how did it end and also how emotionally attached we were to the other party has an impact on the amount of time we require to recover from the breakup.
Here are some ways you can try if you need some help to get out of breakup:
Acceptance - that the relationship has ended / the person is no longer part of your life. And affirm yourself that it's okay that they are not around anymore. Most importantly, we have to stop blaming ourselves for their departure.
Self-care - When we talk about self-care, it's not just about taking care of our body, but also our mind and soul. Take time to reflect upon the relationship. It's good to use this time to journal down your thoughts. If it's hard to do a proper journaling, I would recommend to do a "thoughts dump" into your notebook. This means that you will let your thoughts come as it is and write it down without judging yourself. Create that safe space in the notebook for yourself where you can be real with how you really think / feel.
Have a new routine - Often when we are stuck in our usual routines or we need some help to get back to our lives, some configuration to our routines is helpful. Not only that, we can use this opportunity to improve ourselves and complete activities that we couldn't do when we were in a relationship. It can be a new sport, that your ex wouldn't do it with you or maybe that "adventure" you have always wanted to go with your girlfriends... Anything that is not the same as what you would do in the past, do it, We can also tweak our normal routines by taking the alternative route to work.
Throw away / give away items that reminds you of the relationship - It could be that couple ring that he gifted you when the two of you just got together. It could also be that shirt he has given you. Whatever it is, dispose anything that makes you want to breakdown. This is difficult as we always have some attachments to our belongings. But be reassured, doing so really make the difference!
Forgive yourself - It's inevitable that we would blame ourselves when something happens in our life. Especially when someone leaves us... however, blaming ourselves doesn't help us heal. In order for us to move on, we need to be forgiving not only to others, but also ourselves. The relationship did not work out because of many reasons. It takes two hands to clap. You cannot be the only reason why it didn't work out, so don't take up the blame. Most importantly, affirm yourself that you are enough. It's okay that we did not manage to keep this person in our lives. Just like how God gives us free will, everyone in our lives have the right to choose whether they want to stay or leave us. Even if we force them to stay, they can still turn around and leave us. This is also the beauty of two person in love, wanting to commit to each other and promise to be there for each other in all times.
A chinese song that I would recommend:
Lyrics:
爱我的资格 作词：徐世珍 作曲：汤小康 编曲：吕绍淳 把手放了 我也许会比较快乐 我也许会换个情人 我也许不会再撑 真的够了 能不能让雨别再下了 能不能让心别再疼了 能不能不要开灯 我们的爱跟着你写的剧本 出现了越来越多的角色 我是你什么人 如果不是情人 是不是不要再浪费我的人生 你比我更清楚 你对我多好 多温柔 多认真 不构成爱我的资格 除非你只看着我 想着我 只有我 爱本来就该独一无二 为你伤心多一点 少一点 流下的眼泪都一样不值得 世界上那么多人 只有我一个人 能拯救自己的快乐 不要再为你哭了
I believe that all of us deserve a love that only belongs to us. A person who wants to and can commit to us wholeheartedly. No matter how generous a person can be, in this aspect, all of us cannot bear the thought of being another person's option and not a choice. Even if the other party is nice to us in other aspects, if they fail to commit to you (only) then this is a big red flag.
You did the right thing to leave the relationship because someone out there is waiting to find someone like you, to commit in a serious relationship. Do not be disheartened, it may feel like the end is here and there is no other way out. However, one year from now, you will be more than happy that you have set yourself free from a bondage that do not serve you in the long run.
Cry as hard as you need, be sad for any amount of time you have to be...
But after all these, you have to come out of it because girl you deserve so much better and you look beautiful when you smile!
Stay tuned.
XX
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