The last time I dated as a single without being a parent - was a decade ago.
Back then I could be reckless with my heart and not be accountable for my own mental health wellness.
I did not expect my life to make such a turn and twist when the last date a decade ago evolved into something I have to carry for the rest of my lives.
If I kept rewinding and think of all the "what ifs", I guess It will just be as heart wrenching as it already is. Dating is already a complicated matter on its own, let alone bringing baggage from the past relationship. It's not just the emotions, it's also the consequences of letting the heart rule over the mind.
I really thought that the date a decade ago would flourish over the years and last for a lifetime. But then, nobody truly knows their story until they live through it isn't it?
As I type out this saddening post, I was just informed by my recent date whom I had a crush on - that he has no feelings for me. I guess it was tough for him as well, since he had to break this truth to me.
And whilst the reality hurts, the truth is always worth seeking. Wounds after wounds... Rejections after one another, what's new right?
This single mother who dived back to the dating scene after the first failure of her marriage is desperate for answers. Nobody likes to be hanged there.
I guess she is just super protective of herself, after similar incidents happen one after another - her thinking that their gentlemanly gestures were a part of the dating game or even better still, a gesture to inform her their interest as her romantic partner.
Truth is, it was a beautiful mistake and misunderstanding. They took pity on her circumstances and just wanted to lend her a helping hand. They just wanted to be the "hero" for her, for this period of time. Yet they didn't know that she wasn't looking for a hero to fight her battles for her. She was looking for a knight who would be there to journey with her through all the battles no matter how slim the chances of winning would be.
She was looking for a permanent person. Yet once again, she was fooled by all the dating tactics that she hasn't updated her dating memory base since the last update she had was already outdated (10 years ago).
I guess the dating game is no longer the playground she used to play hide-and-seek with those potential partners.
Being a mother itself to two children is already a very challenging task, especially doing it on her own. She could handle it. But as the time passes by, she felt isolated. When her kids are asleep, she found herself hoping to have someone she could talk to. She was desiring for a companionship that could engage her with adult conversations.
So when a seemingly "knight" appeared out of the blue and treated her with care, she immediately fell for him over heels.
She even went to the extent of following God's word. To choose amongst the believers and made sure that she doesn't follow her past path of seeking a partner. She wanted this to be as holy as it is and she wanted to fulfill her duties as a disciple of Christ. She accepted all her past sins and wanted to have a fresh start.
Truth is, life doesn't just happen like that. It doesn't mean that a guy you have met on dating app showered you with attention and care, it meant that they are interested in you. Prolly they did that to every other person they met.
The first time I was referred to as the "mutual friend", it was clearly known that my existence had to be covered, Our paths met online had to be kept a secret. Why? Because he wasn't interested in me romantically and did not want the rest of the ladies to be informed of my existence.
I do not wish to explore any further as the part about losing the connection drains me. So I took a few attempts to check in with him about his feelings.
Every time we met (I'm not sure if that's called a date or hangout), I gave him a written letter. Simply because I did not know which "date" would be the last one. I was trying to add value to his life, with the slightest effort I could gather enough.
13 April is such an unlucky number. It reminded me of the most recent disappointment I had with a potential date. As I bid goodbye to this "oh I thought you were god sent and all man"...
It's probably just wise to keep my minds occupied and draw clear boundaries with any approaching opposite gender.
I don't need your salvation, if you are knocking to lend a helping hand, do seek counsel before even trying to put in effort to "win" my trust - telling me how you will be there for me and making it right this time.
Goodbye.
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