To everyone reading this post,
I hope that this is a safe space for you and me to process certain thoughts and emotions.
I hope that my words and stories bring you comfort.
Feeling safe has always been a challenge for me since young.
Whilst it may sound like a primitive instinct for every human being to have, my definition of "feeling safe" is not that literal.
Have you ever met people whom you feel safe to share about everything and not feel bad for sharing what you have shared?
I guess my definition of "feeling safe" evolves around acceptance and mutual understanding.
I grew up in an extended big family, with 2 older cousins and 1 younger sibling. My main caregiver was a very kind-hearted lady whom has devoted her life into taking care for the 4 of us. It wasn't easy for her, especially when our age gaps were somewhat quite close - close enough for fights to happen, close enough to not be able to comprehend how to handle big emotions all together.
I struggled with that kind of environment - the inability to speak up and to fit in the group. I always felt left out and nervous. It just doesn't feel safe to share my thoughts and emotions. I always had that feeling of condemnation which I honestly do not like having.
It extended to my teenager years and when I was 13, all of these hidden issues came bubbling out from the jar of beans that I was trying to confine in.
Uneasiness settled in as I was going through the stage of puberty where I was very hormonal, emotional and in a state of chaos. It was the "anxiety" that I was feeling. It was the emotion I failed to identify in me when I was a child. I did not understand this emotion and thought that it would go away if I kept distracting myself.
However, to my dismay, the teenager years were just one of the toughest phase of my life. I was forced to face up to the music, to face all the big giants in my head and my mind. All of the uneasiness from childhood came pounding at me like a big bear hunting for its prey.
It has gotten so bad that I couldn't handle the fear and anxiety of going to school. I would break down when I was in school. The overwhelming anxiety and fear of inability to fit into a wider "society" in school made me really terrified of being there every single day.
It became an unresolved issue. As I recall now as a grown-up, I could identify those emotions I was having at that point of my life. It wasn't just the anxiety and fear. There was this ally of theirs - Shame.
It was strange that I felt shameful. Perhaps I was turned away when I was trying to share my inner feelings and thoughts as a child that had contributed to the feeling of unacceptance with a dime of shame. As I try to reconcile with my past and to put things in a better perspective now that I'm an adult who can analyze things from a different angle, I could understand why I was feeling that way and able to forgive caregivers from my childhood for the traumas I have encountered.
Now that I'm a mother of two, I finally could comprehend and even empathize with my caregiver who took efforts to keep us in safe hands. With 2 children, there were times I felt that I was really struggling to cope. So I could not imagine how difficult it can be for someone to take care for 4 kids with a small age gap. There were many things to be responsible for and she was really busy trying to run everything in the household by herself.
That was probably why up till today I still feel this intimate connection with her. Although there were many times I wished things wasn't what it was and that my biological mother was the one to stay home to be our main caregiver, sometimes God has made things to turn out this way so that we get to go through what was required for us to be who we are today.
I'm extremely thankful for my caregiver as she tried her very best to make sure that I can feel as safe as possible. I have also come to terms to the fact that sometimes things aren't perfect so that we learn to appreciate the times where things were great. Up till today, I still enjoyed having small talks with her in the kitchen whilst she cooks or do chores. Though I was already far from the age where I would follow her around the house, I still enjoy being in her presence and deem it as a blessing that I have someone like her in my life.
Now as I recall, perhaps the "safe space" is not found within our communities or with anyone else. It's the self-awareness and acceptance of one self.
To honor my thoughts and feelings without judgement,
To accept myself for who I was wired up to be,
To learn that it's okay for me to have differing opinions,
To know that God has made me who I am for a good reason.
With self-acceptance and no more self-sabotaging thoughts, freedom comes easily. I was no longer swayed easily by others' comments and not so affected when I was condemned for my thoughts.
I hope that you find that safe space in yourself.
It has always been in you and awaiting for you to acknowledge its presence.
When you feel safe in your own skin, many things start to change around you.
I hope it stays this way for you because the world out there can be a little dangerous sometimes.
Till then,
XOXO
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