Perhaps you have been alone for too long or you have tried your best for the longest.... that you forgot that it's okay when you have fears.
It's only when you meet the "right" person that you started to realize that you can also be vulnerable to voice out your concerns without being judged.
Sometimes it's only when you are going through certain things, that you will realize that actually it wasn't what you have expected. You thought that you were ready for it but turns out you are actually not well prepared at all.
It could be because of prior experiences that was so traumatic and had stolen your joy of receiving such a blessing. It could be the way you have coped with all the broken parts of your heart.
Thankfully, there was still a chance to make a change. Hopefully, the sudden U-Turn is enough to undo what was done. Through the experience, it's amazing to find out more about my deeper needs and insecurities. Thus makes it a valuable one for me to learn from. We are constantly learning something new everyday, the lesson can deter us from moving forward if we allowed it to or we can use the lesson to become better version of ourselves.
I decided to listen to my gut feeling this time round. I'm glad I did. Those years of self-reflections upon the past years had gotten me into deep thinking in different areas of life.
This time, I decided that I should truly live out my life and not be swayed by anything else. I wanted to live it to the fullest - in my own terms.
It was only recently that I could step down from the sole parenting duties and take a back seat being the single mother. I was blessed to receive support from my parents. :)
The freedom of finally able to organize my life without the children is really truly refreshing. I haven't had a decent "me time" for almost a decade. I have spent the last decade being pregnant, going through the labor pains, taking care of the beans from day 1 till now that they are both going to school. It has been a long journey of staying home to care for them, prioritizing them and being the full-time homemaker.
I have grown so much over the past decade of growing the beans, nurturing and being available to them. It was all the breastfeeding sessions, mess-up days, sick days, hangout days and busy days that sum up the last 10 years of rearing children. I do not regret making the decision of being there for them as they grow. It was an amazing experience. From the first day of holding them, that feeling of being a mother was magical.
I lived my dream of being a full-time homemaker and did all that I needed to sustain our daily routines. The mornings were early and the nights were long, with in-between night feeds to wake up to. I was impressed by how God has created women and how much mercy He has blessed me with that despite all the trials, I made it alive till to date.
As they grew, I started to come out of my comfort zone and achieve things I didn't manage to finish years ago. I gotten my driving license and completed my tertiary education.
So now it's the time and season of waiting on the Lord for my next phase of life. It's also a time for me to reorganize myself after a period of prioritizing the children over my own needs.
So I'm really thankful that I could take more time to rethink of a decision I almost thought I was prepared for. Perhaps all these while, God already knows that I wasn't prepared or ready for that step.
Thank you Lord for allowing me to have this window of breather to slowly navigate through life as an adult and as your daughter. I spent the whole day resting and it never felt this way for the longest time.
Thank you Lord for reminding me that I am worthy of a good night's sleep and my well-being is equally important too.
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