Words have power. It can either bring people up or bring people down.
As an enthusiast for words and always intrigued by poems or quotes I see online, I find myself often getting lost in those sentences and paragraphs.
As much as I wished I could be more insensitive to how the words could affect me, it's still rather tough to ignore the feelings that came about with certain words or phrases.
Many times I wished I would take things less personally. But on the other hand, I wanted to embrace this part of me that is able to relate the words heard to how it impacts me - if not, I guess I would be reckless in my choice of words.
Probably the fact that one of my love languages is "words of affirmation", it dawns to me that when I was criticized verbally by someone, it's hard for me to not take it personally. Encouraging words and words that inspire have their magic effect on me. Downside is that when casual remarks were made without further consideration on how or when it was used, it certainly hurts.
I guess nobody really liked to be criticized or to receive unkind comments especially when they trusted the other party with their stories.
Since young, I tried my very best to be as independent as possible. I do not know if that is considered as a positive trait of mine or a deadly one. When you are too independent, it feels extra weird to seek for help - it has nothing to do with humility or being too prideful, it's a habit of doing things by yourself. It's hard for people like me to seek help and receive. Whilst majority of the population struggles to help others, most of the times I see myself pushing people away as I'm not too used to being a recipient.
That probably is why many times we are taught to love others and also to love ourselves. The part about self-love has so many depths to it. It includes the part about loving yourself enough to know that you can ask for help and you deserved to have someone share the weight on your shoulders.
As a single mom, it's not uncommon for me to bump into situations where I find myself stuck in the middle of "not feeling enough" and "feeling I can do all things by myself".
Both feelings come about when I face critics from people about how I do not treasure their time and efforts. The thing is, what I have came to understand after many occurrences with people who tried to help... they don't exactly know what is the best way to get along with single mom. One thing that contributed to the confusion and dilemma of whether or not to date a single mom is probably the taboo that the society has on divorce.
In the modern world, although women whom have ended a previous marriage and reared children from their previous marriage will be pardoned from being stoned to death or maybe placed in those cages for pigs and thrown into the sea..... it's still prevalent that many people still have those underlying judgments for divorced women and especially so for single moms.
I could not comprehend why would people view both different things and put it on the table to judge a woman. They do not know her in person, neither do they know what they have experienced in the previous marriage. I don't know, perhaps I had experiences and know what a single mom would go through - those struggles she had before deciding that divorce is probably the best resolution for both the children and herself.
As a young mother, I experienced countless times where people would stare at me and had given me those stares that indicated some level of judgement. But actually, on the other hand, the modern society fails to acknowledge the part where the single mom had been continuously doing - that is, being the mother and taking up the responsibilities of being a parent to the kids is kind of quite remarkable. I mean, if the single mom continued to care for the children despite it all instead of abandoning them, shouldn't she be respected for her courage and sense of responsibility?
I hate it when people fail to acknowledge that majority of the divorced single moms out there tried their very best to stay in the marriage and divorce was the last resort out of desperation to survive. There is just this failed understanding for women in general. When we compare the kind of criticisms between a single father to a single mother... Many people out there would be more empathetic towards the single father instead of the mother. I cannot comprehend why is the single father more or less unfortunate than the single mother. Why would people applaud when the divorced man decided to raise the kid as a single parent but not be more mindful towards the divorced woman who continued her life as a single mother.
I wished people could be more sensitive to the choice of words they use. As much as it seems like the single mom has nothing much to offer, except for the mountains of responsibilities and tons of to-dos to be done... it's rather insensitive when people say things I listed in the following segment:
1. "I will just put it on the table. I never imagined a life with a divorced woman with two children."
(I mean, dude... nobody asked for you to have a life with a single mom. If you told me that it was because you never saw the photos of her kids at the dating app and you were just swiping across... then wouldn't it be quite ironic that you decided to ask her out for a movie with the couple seats arranged? I mean... these are little signs that misled her into thinking you were dating her and getting to know her as someone potential for a relationship... let's get back to the point about being on the dating app. As much as I understood that some dudes out there is just out there for fun casual relationships, shouldn't you understand what were you looking for when you are out in the dating app? If you only was looking for friendship then you wouldn't be ticking the box "looking for a serious relationship" at the dating app, would you?)
2. "I did these for you. It took me a lot of efforts. Please treasure it."
(I don't know about ladies out there... but this sentence really really really turns me off. I mean, yeah I get it the dude here is trying to emphasize that he cares and had been trying his best to do whatever he can to meet the lady in the middle... but in all honesty, this dude have no idea who is he dealing with - a single mom. We're talking about how she had to put her life aside just to spend time with you. How is his minimal efforts justifiable? I mean.. she wouldn't even bother about sharing details about how she had placed efforts in the connection, how could you just blurted it out so easily? We can get back to the first pointer.... You already know that you are dealing with not just a typical single woman, but one who had a story and children at hand. So.. ain't it insensitive for you to "list" out the things you have done for her... when actually, that was just the bare minimum you could do for her.
Other thoughts about life recently...
I felt quite insulted when people would place me on the table and list out all the things they couldn't accept about me. Especially when it was already a matter of fact that the children would be a part of me until I leave this world. She was already managing life on her own and doing things based on her intuition all this while... What makes you think that her life would fall apart just because you did not reach out to hold her when she was struggling?
Honestly speaking, I needed to speak on behalf of other single mothers out there because I really could see how great they are and the kind of things they could bring to the table. She is fiercely independent, she knows how to run the household, she is probably on her road to achieving financial stability and she has her own goals to complete. Your journey with her wouldn't be a waste of time but actually a form of booster for your life in general. Because you get to experience life in the most intricate way.
It's no longer just the dull life about dating the ladies and hanging out till late on TGIFs, it's about doing life together as both consenting adults who knew that efforts are not something to be applauded about but a part of a bigger dream to be conceptualized.
So, if you are not ready for such an intense yet intriguing journey with a single mother, STAY out of her life or zone.
She deserves so much more. If you are not ready to be her knight, please just find some other princesses where you can be the prince charming and be looked up upon as you shared about your efforts... Single mother is so raw and rare. If you can't take the rawness and rareness, perhaps it's time for you to have a cooked steak instead.
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