Healing sometimes feel like a backward action. Some days it felt like you are completely healed, some other days it feels like you are still on the way there... whilst on rare days it feels like you barely started the healing progress.
Triggers happen from time to time and you can't help to be affected by it although your mind kept reminding yourself that things are not the same now.
The thing about trauma is that nobody knows what will trigger it and when it will be triggered. All we know is that relapse is possible and happen really frequent.
If you have been emotionally and physically abused before...
Gaslighted or abused by a narcissist...
Chances are when you find yourself in similar situations, eg. waiting for a reply from someone. The brain was so hardwired to past experiences and would recollect the emotions that came in waves when it happened previously. Even if it can be years ago, but sad thing is that the brain is so good at remembering every single detail of your memory. It recaptures the scenarios and the emotions that were brought about.
So every trigger to a survivor of any forms of abuse is a reenactment of what that had happened years ago. It would probably continue this way until the survivor starts having new experiences and memories with similar scenarios. If you are lucky enough, you might be able to heal because your brain now collects a new set of data from the latest scenarios you experienced. As they accumulate, they become the latest version of data that the brain will use to match up when similar things come up.
It's ironic to say this but as a survivor, I have to admit that sometimes when you were too used to being mistreated... you actually expect the other party to treat you in ways you were used to be treated, despite knowing that things are not the same as before.
That anticipation kills me most of the time. A part of me hoped and wished that my judgement is correct, another part of me secretly hope that this time my brain would fail me and I can outgrow the old toxic cycle.
It's a struggle between the old and the new. It's the fear that's gripping hold onto me, refusing to let me live it out in faith. I have to admit, I still feel afraid. When you have developed certain expectations for someone, the last thing you want them to do this to tarnish the hopes you have for them. So it's really like walking on egg shells...
I wished I could share with you more about how this journey is like in detail but right now not enough words are able to articulate how I am feeling about this right now. Sharing with you a song that gave me some comfort this afternoon as I was browsing through the stationery shop.
Something like this will never make sense never make sense at all
I have no idea what to say right now
If you wanna come you can stay for awhile
I know a place we could go right now
Pack all your pieces, broken and bleeding, all of your grief and doubt
I know a place we could go right now
When your questions don’t have answers and you just can’t understand it
When your mind just won’t stop running and the tears just keep on coming
You don’t have to explain it
He hears you before you can speak
Come with me, let’s take it to Jesus
This is the place you can rest for a while
If you need to just fall apart
Lay down your worry, he’s not in a hurry, take all the time you need
This is the place you can rest for a while
When my questions had no answers and I couldn’t understand it
When my mind wouldn’t stop running and the tears just kept on coming
Didn’t have to explain it
He heard me before I could speak
Even now, I still take it to Jesus
Ending with a little prayer for anyone who is reading my blog:
Dear Heavenly Father Lord,
You know what we are processing right now even when we don't have the right words to specifically share about it. You already know. I pray that whoever is going through a difficult time and or having issues that is so difficult to be shared with others be comforted by Your presence. Lord, some may not know you yet. I pray that my blog can outsource to people out there who needs you Lord. Lord, we are so blessed to be able to call You as our Father, Our Lord and Our Savior. I cannot imagine doing all these by myself. Thank you Lord for blessing us with all that I need. May I bless others with the gifts You have gifted me. Use me O Lord, in ways that can glorify You. Help me Lord, to reach out to the broken ones and equip me with the resources I need to fulfill my duties as I continue my journey on the Earth before I reunite with You in Heaven.
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