I guess one of the toughest pill to swallow is to accept who I am and what i'm able to do.
Especially with all the overwhelming information that goes around on the social media, it's so easy for us to do the comparison game.
And more likely or so, the game wouldn't be a fun one.
"The grass is always greener on the other side."
Since my teenager years, I always found it a difficult thing to fit in a group and always felt awkward. It was after many years later that I discovered that it also got to do with my personality type - INFJ. The ability to understand myself better as a unique individual helped me to see myself differently.
I question my worth and myself when I fail to do "what seemed to be the right things to do at certain age"... The comparison and questions are really capable of bringing me down, leaving me begging for mercy.
And sadly it was a battle I needed to fight within myself. I was struggling with my own condemning thoughts. It was hard to breakthrough and see things as it is.
My recent employment with the special needs school have shed light once again on my endurance level for high intensity jobs. I really didn't know that being part of the teacher team would drain me out so quickly in matter of days. I was physically and mentally exhausted after a week or so after being on the job.
A part of me felt shaken by my incapability to handle the stress it has impacted on me both physically and mentally. The mental struggle was the hardest barrier to bear, the anxiety was overbearing and stress level was at its one time highest.
It also shed light on my perspectives for the caregivers of the special needs children. I often pondered how did the parents of the students cope without the school and how they pulled through since the early years of the children's life.. It's really not just out of responsibility and love. It was really out of the belief that things can be done.
It was eye-opening to witness how individuals endure the stress of caring for these children despite it being very draining physically and mentally. It's not just purely out of love and passion but also a sincere dedication to being committed in what one has signed up for as a special needs teacher. I see strength, faith, love, responsibility, patience and many virtuous qualities in the teachers there.
It's sad that this industry wasn't well-recognized by the society. It was misunderstood and that led to the lack of manpower. My heart goes out to the teachers who are hanging on there despite it being very tough. I really hope that more dedicated individuals who have a big heart would give this job a try.
Through this saga of trying out the job and also giving up on it, I have gotten to know myself more. Whilst it's hard to admit that at this juncture of my life, my endurance level for high intensity jobs is close to zero and as much as I want to be contributing to the society by helping out in this industry....
My mental health gave way and I could only succumb to its instructions - that's to back down and find something that's less intense.
It was really hard to get people to understand my circumstances as they prolly think that I was cowardly giving up on something that takes more time to settle in. However, nobody knows how it feels like to stay up all night and drag myself to work the next day.
Go easy on my heart please... Each plea I have made quietly in my mind left unanswered. I could only cry and let my tears flow. The lack of understanding and empathy left me wounded.
Breakdown after breakdown, I asked God when will it stop... I asked Him why is it hard for me to find something that I can do for a longer period of time? He did not answer me directly. He gently showed me my strengths and highlighted to me that He will not leave me nor forsake me.
My heart felt peace for the longest time. The peace that it craved for finally arrived. God was telling me to go easy on myself and on my heart. He knows it all.... He still has a plan for me, even though I have no idea where else should I go.
I was reminded that if God still have missions for you to accomplish, then He would continue to sustain your life here and provide all that you need. I can only hold onto His promise and His everlasting love that never ceases no matter how my circumstances change.
Please be gentle to people who is extra sensitive and easily prone to break. I'm like a vase on the edge of the table, any slight movement is enough to break me.
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