I was raised in a common Asian family where we worshipped idols and burn incense sticks to pay respects to our loved ones who have passed on.
From young, I was skeptical about how these rituals could work and how come so many people follow these rituals.
Perhaps all these beliefs and myths were so different from Christianity, from a young age I was taught to stay away from those "Amen people", It was deeply ingrained in my belief system that Christianity is not for me and is something I should be wary of.
I have only one relative in my paternal side of family that is a believer. Since young, I always felt myself drawn to this family as the way they bring up their children is so different the way I experienced my childhood. That was my first exposure to a different religion - Christianity.
At 8 yo, I was warmly welcomed to the new school and had a buddy to help me adjust to the new surroundings. She was the warmest person I've ever met and up till today we are still in contact. She tried to ask me to visit her church, which of course I turned down without any hesitation. But I knew a long time ago about her faith and her active participation in her church.
When I reached my adolescence stage, I was struggling with depression and had anxiety. It was so hard to go to school and I barely could turn up for the major exams. My life took a turn as I have to study extra year in a private college to complete other papers that I didn't manage to take in the school.
I was faced with hostility in the class as I was too serious in wanting to get good grades this time round. I was alone everyday. I remembered that everyday I would pray to a "God" that I do not know who He is and end the prayer with an Amen.
Another close encounter with a Social worker who was with me throughout the period of my battle with depression and anxiety showed me a different side of being a believer. She was so caring and patient. It makes me doubt her intention. Yet she didn't come with any ulterior motives, just wanting the best for me and encouraging me in ways she thought would help me in coping with my mental health.
I remembered there was once I told her I was very anxious about having to cross the road to meet her. Thankfully she took the initiative to meet me across the road at the traffic light. It was uncomfortable but I made it as she was there to receive me.
I graduated from the private college and went on to tertiary studies where I met my senior. He was a believer - very generous foodie and brought me out on dates every week to different cafes. Back then, "cafehopping" was the trending thing and I was sort of dating a guy who blogs about his cafes experiences with me. Back then, I was still struggling with my mental health issues and it felt like there will not be an end to it. He was really patient and even accompanied me to see the psychiatrist. However, after dating for more than 6 months, we had some disputes and decided to breakup.
The breakup wasn't just a small thing for me as I was very emotionally-attached to him. So I went on to explore different ways to make myself feel better. I was very self-conscious about how people would think of me especially when all the classmates knew about our relationship. So when it ended, I felt like my whole world fell apart. He didn't call nor did he came to find me.
I only received one phone call from him. He demanded that I return all his belongings to his best friend who happens to be a girl he used to like. It was one of the reasons we had disputes as he debated about the significance of this best friend and refused to distance away from her despite being with me.
So at the age of 19, I was heartbroken and alone. I was in a bad state. I would run to anywhere that showed a glimpse of hope and anywhere that has some light. That was when everything started to crash in. When you believe those fairytales would happen to you in real life, when you believe that there is one guy out there able to save you from all your sorrows and complete you..... it's dangerous.
I was walking on eggshells, I was craving for an intimate relationship and to have a place I could refer to "My home". The home I imagined was torn down after 3 years.
The legal documentation didn't secure my heart nor shield me from any heartbreaks. It was a loop replaying itself over and over again. Until one day 12 December, It was a breaking point for me to start over.
All the secrets came to light - the abuse, the broken vows and heart was revealed. As shame and guilt cloud my mind, it was so tragic to recall his unremorseful non-verbal. I felt shameful for thinking that I made the right choice to depart from my parents and run into the arms of a guy I barely knew.
As I recall the wedding scenes and the music that played in the background, it was such a tough pill to swallow... to accept that the guy whom I thought will be the person I wake up to everyday is gone.
I came running back to the arms of my longing parents, with nothing under my name and 0 savings. In humility and out of curiosity, I visited a friend's church. Again, I was just curious what God is he following that shaped him into such a sweet gentle person. Truly, God plants seed in your heart even when you were not ready to reconcile with Him.
Truly, when in despair, it's that turning point in life where you decided that it's probably time to reach out to gain access to a higher power out there so that your faith in humanity can be restored.
And so, during the first visit to my friend's church, I seek Him as my God and decided to follow Him. The inner peace I felt, the kind of love and hospitality I received was remarkable. It was addictive to have such gentle love that I have been searching for my whole life.
Few years later, I found myself soaking in the Baptism Pool with a Pastor and I declared that I want to proclaim God as the Lord of my life. And that's when my life starts to unfold in a way that's so different than my past. I see miracles when things seem to not be able to work. I felt comforted after crying out to the Lord. It was as if I was just next to Him.
If you asked me if I regret my past, I would say "No". Because if I didn't encounter all those experiences, I wouldn't have decided that it's time for me to stop relying on my own strengths but to commit my life into the One who truly cares and has the capability to take care of me with all His might. Ever since then, life may not be smooth-sailing but I wouldn't want a life without Jesus. <3
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