I think one of the best compliments you could say to someone is this. "You look happier now". I was looking through old photos and reminiscing the past. I can only thank God for reconciling me to Him. That was the best gift I have received after the trials.
To be honest, if you asked me if I will make the same decision if I had the chance to rewrite my past... I believe I would still have done what I have done. At a tender age of 19, that was probably the best option I was left.
However, if the 29 year old me were to rewrite my past... I can be super confident to say that I wouldn't have even allowed myself to be in that helpless state.
Many times I pondered what would happened if I knew Him earlier... Therefore, I truly believe in what my new church is invested in - Generations. I have never ever came across a church that focuses so much on the younger generations. The average age of the church-goers was 21 years old. It's amazing, ain't it? But truly, if I came to this church when I was a teenager, so many things would have not been the same.
So many decisions wouldn't be made. I wouldn't be seeking for worldly things and possessions to comfort my emptiness. I wouldn't feed my soul with the lies that the world was telling me. I would probably be healthier and loved myself more to the extent that I wouldn't accept what was not morally right.
So as I was walking down the memory lane, I saw a young teenager who was so void of love and trying so hard to fit in this world. She was hardly coping and she was struggling to seek help. It was painful to witness this right now as an adult. I really would feel so terrible if the teenager was my daughter.
Thankfully, God gave second chances. I felt a new creation in His eyes. Not to mention my thoughts were renewed. I guess all things, good and evil, were part of His plan. His plans are to prosper us, to strengthen us to become the best versions of ourselves.
To be honest, I am thankful and accepting of my past. That 19 year old teenager who braved through so many circumstances that was difficult to conquer. Even a grown-up would feel challenged if given the same circumstances.
I'm proud of who I have evolved into. As a teenager, I was insecure and always feared when good things happen to me. I felt underserving of good things and proper treatment. It was quite psycho and unhealthy. It was really through His Grace that I found out that I was actually deserving of proper treatment and unconditional love.
I don't blame my parents for everything that happened. They were my earthly parents who tried their very best to raise me up properly in this distorted world. I was considered blessed because in the end, I could still reach out to Jesus despite not coming from a Christian family. I could still have the freedom to choose whatever is best for me.
I am lucky that I have very supportive parents whom were there for me when I was dejected and lost in life. It was really through many difficult ups-and-downs in life that I could let go of all the past grudges I had towards them. After becoming a parent and experiencing all the pain for the past decade, I have realized that my parents have been keeping me so safe in a nest where everything was so nicely prepared.
Whenever I shared about my story, people would be curious about my parents and my background. They were all shocked when they come to know that I actually come from a middle income family where both my parents were in good terms with one another. So they probably couldn't understand why and how on earth did I end up in such a state where the marriage just couldn't make it.
It stems from the understanding and perspectives of a bruised child. The child whom thought that her parents did not love her just because they loved her differently. The child whom did not feel secure because of many other challenges that the parents were trying to overcome. There were many practical reasons why I was left at my nanny's place for weekdays after I turned 1 month old. Life wasn't easy for my parents and they had to commute daily for long hours to get to their workplace. Their best solution was to leave me under the care of a trusted nanny who would care for me everyday.
The insecurities and inconsistency built up and eventually exploded when I was in my teenager years. Hormones and crazy thoughts fueled my head with toxic lies that I wasn't loved and motivated me to seek love from elsewhere.
The motivation to start a home and have a family at a tender age wasn't an impulse act. It was a built up intended act of self-defense and coping mechanism when the inner child was hurt. The adults meant well, but the child had the right to her emotions and sometimes her perspectives were clouded by the lies she was fed by the world. So in the end well-intended actions and words became the reason for the disengaged relationship that she had with her parents. Weird isn't it, the first two people who witnessed her birth and cared so much for her actually participated in the bruised childhood.
It's so common that all of us had a childhood trauma that we were trying to heal from. It's not their fault. It's just how the world has operated since the fall of Adam and Eve.
I'm really thankful that I no longer have to face the judgements of the world alone. For He will go before me and the cross is behind me. I no longer have to fit into the world, for I am a child of God - the one who rose from dead and conquered death. The only God who cleansed me from my past and my sins, to let me have a new life again.
I really pray that teenagers out there could experience and encounter God when they are at their prime age. At the stage of life where they have the most energy and time to do whatever that they want to do. At the stage of life where they can start accomplishing and making dreams come true. I truly hope that they do not have to go through what I have gone through because it was really too painful.
You are loved.
You are important.
You are so dear to Him.
You are enough.
You are His apple of the eyes.
You don't need to prove yourself to anyone.
You are worthy.
You are blessed.
You are made in the image of God.
I hope that one day I can serve this community with my past experiences and may my one decade of rollercoaster ride through all the trials be a blessing to anyone out there who might need a listening ear or encouraging soul. I have overcome all the difficult times because I had one voice in me telling me to persevere and not give up even though it was a faint hope that things will change for the better.
Please remember that all the good and the bad that happened in your life are going to be the stepping stone for your next phase of life. It is preparing you for whatever that is going to strengthen you. You are not alone.
Comments