I'm so inspired and empowered by the speeches I am viewing online. Podcasts sharing about childhood traumas and also the impact of unresolved traumas from childhood. It makes me feel less alone in the journey of healing.
I used to think that if I tried a little harder, then I could be accepted and liked back by people who were mistreating me. In healthy situation, the thing to do in such scenario is to walk away and not to people-please.
I did not manage to see it in that light previously... It was really after years of running in the same vicious cycle and bumping into similar problems in relationships (be it romantic or friendships) that I start to come to realize that I have been doing all wrong from the start.
Why should I convince people to like me? The underlying motivation to do so comes from the ingrained need to prove my worth to people who already condemned me. It comes from the underlying need to "do something" so that I gain the approval I always wanted when I was a child.
Then, it all became so clear when I kept bumping into the same problems - the persistence in staying longer than I should in many connections that should have been cut away for the longest time. All because of the false belief that I have concluded from the past childhood experiences - that I was not enough and if I tried harder, they will like me or give me the approval I need.
The root of the need of approval from humans probably stems from the kid in me that did not know God. I was a people-pleaser growing up and that really damaged me a lot. Now when I think about it, the need to be accepted by people I care about really made me downsize my standards for a healthy connection.
It's when the void in you gets so big that you have to resort to such measures. It's normal to want to be accepted and feel a sense of belonging. Even the Maslow's hierachy of needs stated that as one of the basic human needs we have.
Almost 29, then I realized that I will never ever be enough for people who doesn't see my value and it's okay. I do not need to be liked by many as I am a child of God. My providence comes from the one and only creator who loves me no matter what changes in life. This constant unconditional gentle love reminds me from time to time that I will be alright even when I lose people because I "failed their expectations" of me as a friend, family or etc.
When the source of approval is from God, things start to change. You no longer chase after people who aren't meant to be in your life. You can let go of the idea of not being liked by many. Your heart is filled to the brim every other day and you can have the energy to start anew even when trials come by.
When you finally came to a realization that you are so worthy of love and something better, you stop questioning yourself about cutting off people who ain't able to love you the way you deserve.
When you accept the fact that they can never give you the kind of love and approval that the only God could, you have come to a peaceful settlement with yourself to embrace the imperfections in all the connections you have now.
Now I feel that 29 is not a getting too old age, it was just the right time and age for me to finally let go of my old beliefs and be a new me.
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