The week just passed by like that... I haven't even had the time for a quick breather.
Some highlights of this week was trying to get the kiddos into routine (already a big task on its own)
Settling some personal issues
Getting back to the regime of eating healthily and on time
Also not forgetting to accept that the relapse is always on its comeback but that's fine anyhow
This week's most important highlight was returning to the workforce... not exactly full force in, but preparing myself for the days ahead.
I'm thankful I finally could pursue a career of my dreams and most crucially, be trained and certified. I'll keep that as a secret first for now and share more when I'm more settled down in the job.
It's amazing, how God has brought so much peace and grace to our lives.
Although it really hurts at times and there are so many countless moments I just wanted to give up.
Parenting alone is scary, single-parenting is the double of the workload and double of the emotional tug of war especially when your child has some special needs.
Although she doesn't and wasn't diagnosed with Autism, she does displays some signs of it and it could be traced back to her early years. It was not prevailing at first and we thought that she just needed some time to adapt to changes or whatever that is.
Turns out it wasn't a normal regime at all. I haven't had the courage and energy to bring her for further assessment despite its urgency. I don't know if it's related to my inability to accept that she needs extra help or the fact that I have to face the guilt especially when she did not have any relations with her dad since 4 mo.
You know, the thing about being a single parent and divorced at a young age, it's just an awkward stage and phase where it feels so isolated.
The photo could better illustrate how it feels like everyday as a single parent. It has been a decade and I always felt like I was already in my 40s.
When I went to a church, it's so weird to try to fit into the young adults group but I truly do belong to that age group. Most of them were working adults / studying / just married / in a serious relationship. So I was really out of place.
The difference in the age gap not only brought the awkwardness but also brought about some strange incidents. I guess when you have experienced life in the hardest way, it's harder to accept being mistreated in ways that you should be treated with respect. So although I didn't managed to fit into the group, I made some really nice friends who didn't have any expiry date and still stayed with me until today.
After that I went onto another group, which is the Adults group. Both have served me very well and aided in my spiritual growth. Being in the adults group is a special experience for me, I have never walked super close with people whom is around my parents' age. So the awkwardness did seep in in the first few sessions with the adults. I did not know what would be the most polite way to address them because I really do not want it to be disrespectful. It's probably the Asian parents' kind of teaching that was ingrained into my brains that caused me to be so fixated about greeting the seniors in the most appropriate way - or was I just scared of being scolded by my parents?
I saw significant differences in the way the both groups handling the gatherings, meetings and even the way we prayed for one another. There was a well-built system rooted and the leaders were very much prepared for each session. It was really a nice environment to grow and walk together with God. I remembered during our recent retreat to JB that I could recall how at ease I felt as I just had to follow the instructions given - how much to pay for the accommodation and food etc. They had all the routes planned and I just had to follow.
It was rather a pleasant experience as I was already hands full from my own responsibilities. I didn't have any extra time or energy to help with the planning. Also because they were more experienced than me in many areas of the lives, they are more understanding and could relate with me since they had similar journey as me - parenthood.
Back to the topic of the tug-of-war with the youngest at home... It was really hard to be firm and nice all at the same time. I guess the struggle was about the part that I didn't want her to feel unloved. Especially when I knew beforehand that she did not exactly had a "complete" family to begin with at a young age. This was probably another reason that drove all of us adults to our edge - we were very lenient with her since young and gave her the option to do things her way. I reckoned that we were all feeling very sorry for her since she didn't really experienced that kind of "desirable" two parent family composition that she was supposed to have. Then this cheeky girl came to realize that she could abuse our love in many ways.
But this time, I decided that it's really a time for all of us to unite and sit down to discuss what should we do together to stop the cycle from repeating itself again. All the tantrums, unreasonable requests and even the tiresome melt-downs (Yesterday's lasted for 2 hours straight). The episode was still very raw and fresh. I'm still trying to gulp down this part of yesterday. This is when I find that being an empath may not always be a good thing after all...
This week I couldn't cope with the tug-of-war twice. Each war took me a day or so to recuperate. It was so overwhelming. Yet thankfully, I'm still alive enough to type out this post now.
I don't know when will this war end. It probably wouldn't end anytime soon. So we decided to seek out new place, new environment and new people - in hopes that she would open up and socialize with people who can understand us. Since I have acknowledged and also came to accept that my life is no longer mine and they are now my ride or die...
So might as well put it on the table and be frank about what will work for us. Sincerely hoping that the new church we were visiting could be the answer that we have been searching for some time.
Thanks for reading. For those who knows us personally, thanks a million for keeping up with my crazy journey and encouraging me along the way. Although I might never be fully understood, it's just very touching when I see people still trying their best to assist me whilst I tackle this tough part of my life.
I believe God has a good plan for me and my children. I may be very much distracted by all these spiritual welfares and little tug-of-wars, but the faith in Him shall bring us through.
Sharing one song that really spoke to me these days:
LYRICS
I’ve carried a burden for too long on my own
I wasn’t created to bear it alone
I hear Your invitation
To let it all go
I see it now
I’m laying it down
I know that I need You
I run to the Father
I fall into grace
I’m done with the hiding
No reason to wait
My heart needs a surgeon
My soul needs a friend
So I’ll run to the Father
Again and again
And again and again
You saw my condition
Had a plan from the start
Your Son for redemption
The price for my heart
I don’t have a context
For that kind of love
I don’t understand
I can’t comprehend
All I know is I need You
My heart has been in Your sights
Long before my first breath
Running into Your arms
Is running to life from death
I feel this rush deep in my chest
Your mercy is calling out
Just as I am You pull me in
I know I need You now
xoxo
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