its a difficult time for me right now,
so much so that i really want to end all things and give up...
it seems like there is no way out and no end to the misery or suffering...
i cried out to the Lord, "Abba Father, how long more? How long more will this phase continue?"
many question marks started to consume me as i type this post out. the migraine is getting more frequent these days and i'm quite exhausted from all the routines. it feels like from now to April time flew past in a blink of an eye, yet to be honest i do not sense any excitement until recently.
it was a phone call, an impromptu one. supposedly to distract me from one thing that was bothering me,,, which it did fulfill its task in the end. it feels so good to have endless topics to talk about, to be listened to and have an adult to talk to. most days were surrounded with children, most days i was living in isolation.
the thing about being alone, it's not just the state of physical presence - it's the acceptance that at this phase of my life, perhaps being able to live with myself is the best option.
i was flustered when i start to let the thoughts run wild. my brain and mind is not at all in sync with new things new people new experiences. i did not allow myself to participate in any social events because i felt that i wasn't ready to do so as i was hurt the last time i did try to connect to someone.
yet, on the other hand, my heart craves for an intimate connection with someone. i wanted to experience the kind of companionship that i have always wanted. i wanted to throw away the lies i was holding onto - that im unworthy and not deserving of such a companion.
i no longer want to face life on my own and that was why i decided to give it a try. though right now im still super anxious about it. i really hope that this time round i will be lucky enough to meet someone nice.
Commentaires