It's true that when you start seeking answers, you will find them. As I go through a phase of self-exploration, intentional reflection process, I came across this book in the library that totally changed my perception of whatever that had happened over the past 4 years.
Reclaiming your life and your heart after divorce
According to a statistics online, since 1990 the numbers of divorce cases have increased every year. In 2020, there is a total of 5110 divorce cases. The statistics has also sorted the numbers by classifying them based on the length of the marriage. It's stated that the period where married couples divorce each other were the first 5-9 years. (Department Of Statistics Singapore, 2022).
Although nowadays it's very common to come across people who had divorced, it still seems like a mystery how to process through the loss of a marriage. In fact, not many of us actually thought of grieving over this major change in our lives.
I was searching for my answers to my unexplained grieve and pain in my heart. I was unable to detect the root and cause of the hurt I feel.
I was surprised that it was actually about the divorce that happened 4 years ago. It was not an easy decision and I tried to distract myself by trying to move on from the loss without allowing myself to take time to grieve over it.
Divorce is like an amputation without anesthetic. A part of us is gone. It hurts.
The Author has done an amazing job in sharing her experience throughout the book and also marking out the best descriptions about the truth of divorce in layman terms.
Now, I understand why am I hurting.
As the bible has shared how God has designed marriage to be like ( even though I wasn't a believer when I was married to the father of my kids, I guess it still applies and that's why it hurts so much when we were divorced ).
One of the hardest part about the divorce was not just about the damage emotionally. My financial fears became suffocating. As the homemaker, to get out of a marriage without any foundations to back me up, is really scary.
So I was really beyond thankful that I was blessed by an old school friend to know Jesus.
It was this bible verse that kept me sane throughout the entire post-divorce stage.
"How wonderful could life be if you chose not to let those fears overshadow your faith and fully trusted God would take care of you?"
For months, my insomnia got from bad to worse. The anxiety of not having a stable income per month freaks me out especially when I have two young children to raise back then. Everything was uncertain and the lack of faith caused me to panic.
It's okay and normal to have fears, but it's not okay to let them have you.
Once I became conscious of how these fears were gripping a hold on my mental wellbeing and affecting my quality of life, I took a leap of faith and surrendered all my fears to Him - the mighty God who has everything in His hands; A God who is always in control.
"He wants to alleviate your fears and fill you with that peace that surpasses understanding, the kind of peace that will astound other people as they bear witness to your lack of fear, your unshakeable joy and your faithful trust in God as you walk the hardest road you've ever had to walk. God is your biggest supporter of starting anew and He wants your heart to be free."
"Peace allowed hope to grow in my weary soul."
Another side-effects of divorce would be - Loneliness. A study has shown that lonely people's white blood cells were in all time high alert and this resembles a bacterial infection in patients.
The disease of Loneliness.
The author further explained the definition of Loneliness. "A lack of community support".
This "disease" attacks our bodies and shortens lives as there are increasing numbers of lonely people who died from heart disease and Alzhemier's disease.
Is that why old married loving couples often passed away one after another as they became lonely after the separation from their beloved partner?
Loneliness shouldn't be taken lightly. "It takes a silent toll on people, and it is not something to be ignored." It is an issue every separated or divorced person struggles with at one time or another and there is no rhyme or reason about how and when it will affect us.
Physical and mental isolation causes us to feel completely alone and prevent anyone from being able to support or encourage us in our internal battle to survive.
The reality hit me like a punch in the gut - being alone was my permanent new normal.
It certainly felt like I was being dropped off on another planet and left there to survive.
Isolation doesn't always equate being alone in definition. It could be a mental situation where one is unwilling to share his feelings with others and be real. One could also feel alone despite being around others. It could also putting on the "everything is fine" mask and acting as if you are handling your situation like a champ.
Though we know it deep in our hearts that's not the case.
At first I felt like the biggest sinner as a new believer in Christ - I felt that it was not normal and I was unfaithful to God ( that warm blanket laid gently across my soul ) because of my anger about what has happened and the struggle with loneliness. Then the author reminded me that it's normal for me to feel what I have felt in the initial stage of being newly divorced. We are humans, it's normal for us to feel those emotions.
Divorce is a traumatic event. NEVER let anyone convince you otherwise.
The first part to healing from this trauma is to accept that you have experienced great trauma and have the realization the need to take care of yourself.
Guilt is to the soul what pain is to the body.
This certainly was the best description I have ever seen about defining "guilt".
Guilt can convince us that we are unforgivable. It blinds us to God's love, strip us of hope and paralyze us, robbing us of the strength we need to let go of the past and embrace the future with confidence.
Give yourself the same empathy, compassion, and forgiveness you would give a friend who messed up in some way.
You deserve God's grace, mercy, and forgiveness as much as anyone else; so don't let guilt stand in the way of you accepting those gifts.
Guilt is not the truth. Only God's word is truth. Sometimes the lies of guilt can be our loudest thoughts especially if we know we have made poor choices.
"When we feel guilty about something, we convince ourselves not only that we did something bad but that we are bad."
I believe that whilst trying to wade through the messiness of survival, it's really easy for us to make poor choices that cripples us thereafter. Such example could be the inappropriate relationships we involve ourselves in just so to put a band-aid on the loneliness we feel deeply inside of us.
I have to agree with the author when she mentioned in the book that the new life as a newbie divorced person felt strange and foreign - marked by a newfound freedom and way too much time such that the door swings open for sin to enter.
Divorce doesn't diminish your value as a woman or a mom.
We have likely all done things we wish we hadn't done, especially when we are trying to survive the chaos and confusion of divorce. But our mistakes could never steal our value in God's eyes and they definitely do not define us.
The enemy uses disappointments to cause so much trouble in an unsettled heart.
A heart hungry for something to ease the ache of disappointment is especially susceptible to the most dangerous forms of desire.
It is hard to make good decisions in a bad season. I am not proud to admit these details of my journey, and that distressing vision of standing in front of the firing squad is creeping back into my consciousness as I write this, threatening me to make me hit the Delete button on all the confessions above.
Major trauma in any form will affect us all in different ways, push us in directions we never deemed possible, hinder good decision-making, riddle us with battle scars,, and maybe slowly turn us into someone we don't even recognize or like.
Being christian does not shield us from the pain of divorce or the temptations that lead to poor choices or damaging behaviours but our foundational beliefs can bring us back to putting the armor of God.
Amor of God:
Belt of truth
Body armor of righteousness
Shoes of peace
Shield of faith
Helmet of salvation
Sword of the spirit
We cannot stand firm in the wake of divorce if we put down the amor of God has given us for the battle.
Now, turn the page and let Him begin.
As the churches in Singapore starts to open up and increase the numbers of worshippers, I strongly urge you to step forward to receive His word. You can consider this neighborhood church in Woodlands : https://wefc.org.sg/
The church is family- friendly and focuses on evangelism.
Lastly, I would like to share two main takeaways from this book:
Create a vision board - put down goals that I will be reminded of on a daily basis. ( Photos, magazines, things that inspires you and places you want to go)
Photos of women smiling - single women and moms thriving.
Most importantly, it's vital to focus the vision on "how you want to feel, not only what you want to have or do..
Reference list:
Department Of Statistics Singapore, 2022. Statistics on Marriages and Divorces, 2020. Retrieved from https://www.singstat.gov.sg/publications/population/marriages-and-divorces
Thank you for reading my long post.
Till then,
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