It's only 20 days into 2024 and I'm already overwhelmed with emotions..
I know that I am loved by God and already blessed but somewhat or another, it's just so difficult not to compare and slip into the entire self-pity or shaming... I wished I was a lot stronger than I looked.
2023 till now I gained 17 kg. It's such a big sign that something is not right somewhere with me.
Sometimes I also cannot figure out that myself. I asked my partner that day, "do you think I'm a failure?"
Probably certain images I saw online and other things just gotten me into thinking that the other side of the grass is greener. That's also one of the main reasons why I decided to cut myself some slack by stopping the usage of IG.
Though I know that the root of the problem is never about the IG, but more of how I perceive those images I am seeing on my feed. Sure, yes, everyone seemed to be living their best lives (except me)
That itself left me really in a deep pit. I felt so bad about myself and my ego was crushed. As I hit the big 3 this year, the rush to be "successful" kept ringing in my head. I wished I could be who I am expected to be or somehow a fit in this big world.
Every time I listened to worship songs, I feel a sense of relief soothing my broken soul. It's like God is still here even though everyone seemed to be ahead of me, in their tracks to reach their goals in life. I ponder and often question my existence, "why God, why am I still living? what is my purpose of existence?" Thoughts like... "perhaps your life will be better without me" just kept popping out of my mind from time to time.
I seek His word and comfort. I am looking for an answer that nobody can give me. Why me? Sometimes I do feel that I'm wasting the resources or draining people. So when conflicts arise and certain accusations came running out from one's mouth, I did not rebuke or defend myself but to sob. I wished I did not bring upon so much pain and trouble to one's life.
As I typed out this whole chunk of thoughts, I was listening to this song by Chris tomlin. No doubt the amount of comfort I received from the lyrics and soothing music. Sharing with you guys!
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