I might be new to the dating pool and I might even act awkwardly under circumstances I haven't encounter before. I might even surprise you with my counter response. But deep within lives a woman who is vulnerable and afraid to repeat her mistakes again. So each step she took to get closer to you was carefully thought through. As she wanted this to work, she strived really hard to get into your social circle. She resorted to being friends with your people because she wants to belong to your social circle.
I wished I was strong enough to put down my ego and tell you that I'm afraid. I'm afraid of failing myself again. No matter what reasons that led to the failure of the previous marriage, in my perspective, not being able to keep to the wedding vows and spending the rest of the lives together as a married couple is defined as a failed marriage.
I wished you could see me picking up my fragments of heart when you said those harsh words towards me. I wished you were there to witness those moments I was so helpless when the violence came by. I wished you could understand that my sensitivity to emotions and surroundings were not because of a lack of trust in you but because of a coping mechanism that I needed to have to combat any incoming dangers that may endanger my kids. I wished you could see me as a mother who needs to look out for her babies and needed to monitor you so that I can be rest assured that this is not another wrong decision but a God-sent gift.
I wished you could understand my need of personal space and not take it too personally when I tell you I need some personal space. Being a mother of two is already overwhelming, the responsibilities of a mother never fades away despite kids growing up and gained independence. Each time I hit the grocery store, I want to fully utilize my time over there so I tend to buy more than I can carry because each trip to the grocery store requires energy and time - which are two precious things that I lack most of the time.
I wished you could receive my requests for some help with household chores as a significant sign that I trust you enough to let down my guards to share the burdens I have running the household. I wished you would not think that I am ordering you around as a servant but to be part of the household and a team player. I wished you would take my words seriously so that I don't need to repeat myself again.
I wished you would be a man of God who is enthusiastic about bible reading, devotions, worship and we could even attend the church together. I wished you could understand my desire to be with counterparts around my age as I have missed that opportunity to socialize and gather during those prime years where I was busy raising children.
I wished you wouldn't shun me away and outcast me as someone with another life stage and needed someone else more experienced to handle me. I wished you could realize that the moment I'm in the relationship with you, I'm ready to be your team mate. I wished you could regard me as any other single lady out there and pamper me with gifts, take me out to dates and do the couple things that other couples are doing. I wished you could be more gentle with your words and actions. I wished you would take note of the triggers that would remind me of my past and be sure to try not to exhibit such behaviors that would bring upon those scary memories.
I wished you would be mindful of what you do and say. I wished you would cherish the time and effort I put in the relationship because as a single mother I really have a million things to tick off my checklist and the last thing I want to do is to waste my time.
Lastly, I wished that you could consider this a serious relationship that can lead to a marriage before you date me - because if we are not on the same page, id rather not start.
Comments