If you had a time machine to make changes to ur past, how would you want your life to be?

Although I know that it's impossible to undo what has already been done... but it still doesn't hurt to imagine those "what could have been" and "what if"...

Growing up feeling insecure, I never thought that one day I would come to the senses that I do deserve love and happiness.

So.... If I had a time machine, I would love to travel to two different time lines.

I would go to the year to revisit my 6yo self. I could vividly remember and recall how I felt when I had conflicts at home. It was hurting me so much that all I ever wanted was to be left alone. The thought about "it's so much better being alone" deeply ingrained into my subconscious and also followed me into adulthood.

Being the firstborn and especially during those critical childhood years, it was extra hurting when favoritism was shown in the family. Feelings of being abandoned, being not good enough and the need to please people started to form at the young age. I could remember there was an incident where a relative compared me to my sibling for his generosity. I was always seen as the least favorable one in the family as I was very possessive of what I own. This could prolly be due to the fact that I needed to share every single thing I had ever since I became the older sister. Parents prolly didn't know that there was always the struggles of shouldering some responsibilities as the older sibling at home. It led to me thinking that I have to do things by myself and not seek for help even when I require it. Probably the feeling of helplessness is more hard to bear so I would rather deal with things alone. I was seen as competent and independent all along.. until in the early years of my teenager life, everything collapsed.

I want to apologize to the younger me - I'm sorry you felt all these emotions at such a young age. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you from all the words that caused you so much pain. If there was anything I would want to tweak for the younger me, It would be to embrace myself for who I was and to be more outspoken. To say no whenever I feel the need to and not feel obligated for having to compromise so that I will be loved. To know that I'm a child of God and I deserve a love that is unconditional. To come to a realization that no matter how good I am or how many nice things I did for people, they would still fail to appreciate me as a person and that's okay.

Another time line would be me at the teenager phase. As you would have already read my previous posts or heard about my personal life story.... 19 is the most significant age thus far, which had changed my life upside down - for good and for the worst.

I do not regret having children at a young age. I regretted marrying their father because of the pregnancy. I wished I loved myself more - to the extent that I wouldn't accept the bare minimum a man could offer. I want to apologize to the 19yo me for not being courageous enough to stand up for myself when I should have. Prior to the pregnancy and marriage, the relationship stand-alone was already abusive physically. I failed to protect the teenager in me who was being mistreated just because I thought that's what I deserved. I did not see the good in me and did not appreciate who God has made me to become.

If given a chance to restart again, I would seek help and see a psychiatrist when I couldn't make it in my 2nd year at the tertiary institution. I would have answered the missed call from the ex-boyfriend. I would have learned to not give up so easily. I would have sought help from a professional. I would have tried to get to know God from a brother in Christ who was treating me with respect.

Whilst there was no reason for me to cry over spilt milk, I just wanted to use my life experiences to encourage people out there... that God has made all things come together for our good. We may have failed many times and even mistreated ourselves in the past, yet the Lord had all these things in His mind from the day He created us.

Probably it was only when I was struck with the devastating news that the man who walked down the aisle with me would hurt me physically and emotionally.... to the extent where it was impossible to trust in humanity again... that I had to humble myself and reach out to that brother in Christ who was willing to see me again after years of losing contact.

I could still remember that he was still that caring friend who doesn't mind making time for us. It was until then then I realized how great his Father is - Jesus Christ who died for all our sins. :)