Being highly functional and also secretly dying inside is the weirdest combination one can ever get. It's like arranging the both extremes together walking side by side and trying to survive everyday with caution.
I wished more people could give these topics a good read before jumping to conclusions. I wished I had the chance to articulate my thoughts and emotions. I wished I was normal.
Everyday felt like an internal war with the negative voices, thoughts and emotions. Some days I was well distracted and could easily pull off the "I'm totally fine" persona. Other days like today, I had to shut down completely and hide under my blanket to soothe the anxious mind.
And when that happens, it felt like I was abandoned by the world, in total solitude. The inner screams became so loud for me yet on the outside everything appeared to be calm. The storms that arrived after the calm waves kept tugging me and eventually I succumb to it.
The anxiety and helplessness was not likeable, yet had a familiar touch to it.
They are constantly hounding me from all four directions, seeking after me as I ran away from them. Step by step I was consumed by them. I felt breathless and defeated, once again. I lost to the demons living in my soul. I started to pray and that's when I finally fell into a deep sleep.
Surely, God has something big in store for me right? Otherwise, why would the devil want to steal me away from Him?
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